Identifying narcissistic traits in elderly Filipino relatives (or acquaintances) can be quite nuanced due to cultural factors like respect for elders, family dynamics, and traditional Filipino values (e.g., "utang na loob" or debts of gratitude). That said, elderly narcissists can still exhibit common narcissistic behaviors in both face-to-face interactions and online relationships.
Here’s a detailed breakdown of how narcissistic elderly Filipinos might treat you differently if you’re a relative versus if you’re a friend.
23 Signs of Elderly Filipino Narcissists (Relative vs. Friend)
If You’re a Relative (Face-to-Face and Online)
Expecting Special Treatment – They believe that their age should automatically command respect, regardless of their actions.
Use of Guilt – Frequently manipulating you with "utang na loob" (debts of gratitude), reminding you of all they’ve done for you.
Blame Shifting – They rarely take responsibility for their actions, instead blaming family members when things go wrong.
Constant Need for Validation – They seek excessive praise or acknowledgment for even simple tasks.
Tight Control – Asserting control over family decisions, like holidays, finances, or even personal matters.
Victim Mentality – Frequently acting like the world is against them, especially when things don’t go their way.
Emotional Blackmail – Using health issues or old age as a form of emotional leverage, making you feel bad if you don't comply with their wishes.
Self-Centered Conversations – Conversations often revolve around them, with little to no genuine interest in your life.
Dismissiveness – Invalidating your feelings or opinions, especially if they don’t align with theirs.
Overpowering Presence – Commanding the room during family gatherings, making sure everyone’s attention is on them constantly or exclusively.
Setting Boundaries – Overstepping boundaries, especially in personal matters or the upbringing of children.
Using Family as Tools – Treating you as a resource for money, labor, or emotional support without genuine reciprocity.
Manipulating Generational Gaps – Using the difference in age as an excuse for treating you as inferior or more “ignorant.”
Favoritism – Playing favorites among siblings, often using it to create tension or elicit favor from specific individuals.
Guilt Tripping – If you don’t agree with them, they’ll make you feel as though you’re disrespecting the entire family or your ancestors.
Undermining Your Relationships – Trying to get in the middle of your personal relationships or friendships, sometimes criticizing your choices.
Sense of Entitlement – Believing they deserve more attention, time, or money simply because they’re elders, often ignoring reciprocity.
Public Humiliation – Calling you out in front of other family members or their "friends" online and/or in real life to assert dominance or show superiority.
Minimal Acknowledgment of Your Achievements – While they expect praise for their accomplishments, they rarely congratulate you, particularly due to their insecurities, misery and/or intense jealousy.
Seeking to Be the "Head" of the Family – Insisting on making all major family decisions, even if it's detrimental to others.
Monopolizing Conversations – Dominating every conversation, often interrupting others when they try to speak.
Conditional Love – Showing affection only when you’re doing something for them, but withdrawing "love" or attention if you don't appear "useful" to them.
They Pretend to Care – They act concerned about your well-being, but only if it benefits them in some way.
If You’re a Friend (Face-to-Face and Online)
False Flattery – Complimenting you excessively to get something in return, but not really meaning it.
They Can’t Handle Rejection – They get very defensive or act annoyed when you don't want to hang out or when you say no.
They Play the “Wise Elder” Card – They constantly drop "life lessons" that seem condescending, as if no one could possibly have as much wisdom as they do.
Condescending Behavior – Talking down to you like you’re younger or less experienced, even if you’re of the same age or older.
Overbearing Advice – Offering unsolicited advice, which feels more like a lecture than genuine care or helpful concern.
Always One-Upping – They frequently try to one-up your stories or experiences to make their own seem more impressive than yours and others' lives.
Hidden Criticism – Masking their criticism under the guise of humor or "friendly advice," but it’s clear they think you’re inferior.
Superficial Care – Expressing concern about your well-being in a way that feels scripted and self-serving, not authentic.
Selective Friendship – Only keeping friends who flatter them or who they can use for something (status, attention, resources).
A Lack of Empathy – Unable to truly sympathize with your struggles or accomplishments unless they can somehow benefit.
Ignoring Boundaries – Calling or messaging you excessively, especially online, disregarding your personal time and space.
Subtle Manipulation – Sending passive-aggressive messages that guilt-trip you into doing what they want.
Envy Disguised as Support – Acting like they support your achievements but secretly feeling envious and competing with you.
Using “I’m Old” as an Excuse – Regularly using their age as a reason to avoid responsibility or to get special treatment in the relationship.
Telling You What to Do – Constantly directing your choices or criticizing your decisions, often undermining your autonomy.
Inconsistent Affection – Showing interest or affection only when it benefits them, and pulling away when you need something from them.
Appealing to Your Sympathy – Using their old age or personal struggles to manipulate you into feeling guilty for not giving them attention.
Interrupting and Dominating Conversations – They steer conversations to focus on their issues and rarely let others share.
Never Apologizing – Even when they’re wrong, they can never bring themselves to say sorry, and will instead justify their actions.
Online Comparison – Constantly comparing themselves to your life on social media, subtly competing for attention or validation.
Lowkey Insults – Making subtle digs at your lifestyle choices or appearance, framed as “jokes” or “constructive feedback.”
Appearing Generous – Making grand gestures to appear selfless, but only because they expect something in return (e.g. your outward support, attention and compliments).
Feeling Superior – Exhibiting superiority when it comes to lifestyle, history, or experiences, dismissing your opinions as unworthy.
11 Examples of How They Treat You:
1. Online Compliments That Feel Empty:
They may shower you with likes or comments on your posts, but these comments feel insincere or manipulative, like they’re simply trying to maintain the relationship for their own benefit.
2. The Elder Who Disregards Your Boundaries:
An elderly relative may constantly show up at your house without prior notice, ignoring your requests for personal space, especially if they want something from you.
3. The “I’m Old, I Deserve This” Attitude:
They may frequently say, “I’m already old, I deserve to be treated a certain way!” and expect special privileges like extra attention or resources, without any regard for your time or needs.
4. Using Sympathy for Manipulation:
In a family group chat or in-person, they may say, “At my age, I can’t do this anymore, I hope you can understand” to guilt-trip family members into doing something for them, despite being fully capable of doing it themselves.
5. Highlighting Their Sacrifices:
They often remind you of all they've done for you, invoking "utang na loob" to manipulate you into fulfilling their wishes, even if you didn’t ask for their sacrifices.
6. Redirecting Conversations to Their Glory:
Every time you try to share your personal achievements or successes, they somehow find a way to redirect the conversation back to their own accomplishments or struggles.
7. The Flattery That Feels Wrong:
They may give you compliments that seem excessive or over-the-top, but they always come with an undercurrent of wanting something in return, like attention, validation, or special treatment.
8. Baiting You to Disagree:
They may make an outlandish statement, just to see if you’ll challenge them, so they can have the satisfaction of putting you “in your place.”
9. Claiming They Know Best:
They’ll use their age and “wisdom” as a way to dismiss your opinions or ideas, telling you things like, “I’ve lived longer, so I know better.”
10. Playing the Victim Card:
Anytime you disagree with them, they act as though they’re the victim, saying things like, “At my age, I don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
11. Oversharing for Sympathy:
They may post lengthy, overly dramatic statuses online about their struggles, expecting sympathy from their followers, but without offering any real emotional support in return.
These signs can be subtle or more overt, depending on how deeply entrenched the narcissistic behaviors are, but they’ll often revolve around self-interest, **lack of empathy**, and entitlement, whether they’re interacting with family or friends.
Elderly narcissists, like narcissists of any age, tend to behave based on what serves their ego, control, or emotional needs. Their treatment of others is usually conditional and transactional—based on perceived usefulness, loyalty, admiration, or submission.
Here are 11 ways elderly narcissists typically treat you:
If they like you or find you useful to them:
Overly Friendly and Charming (Love-Bombing Style):
They may flatter you excessively in the beginning of the connection, spoil you with compliments, or show artificial warmth to draw you into their circle or keep you compliant.
Frequent Guilt-Tripping in a ‘Loving’ Tone:
They may emotionally manipulate you into doing things for them by playing the "I’m just an old person who needs help" card.
Selective Praise in Public:
They’ll speak highly of you in front of others—but usually to reflect positively on themselves (e.g., “See how well I raised/helped her?”).
False Sense of Closeness:
They may act as though you're like family or their "favorite," giving you a sense of exclusivity to secure your loyalty.
Offering Favors with Strings Attached:
They might help you or give small gifts, but expect long-term emotional or practical payback.
Using You as a Narcissistic Extension:
They’ll show you off as an achievement (“Look how successful she is, thanks to me!”) only or mainly to boost their ego if doing so makes them appear "important" or "superior".
Controlling but Framed as ‘Caring’:
They micromanage or interfere in your life under the pretense of concern, subtly exerting power over your decisions.
Subtle Triangulation:
They may compare you favorably to others (“You’re the only one who really understands me”), making you feel special.
Conditional Generosity:
They'll give or support you—but only if it ensures loyalty or instant gratitude. If you withdraw or do anything which upsets them, so will their fake "generosity".
Dependency Creation:
They try to make you feel obligated to them, keeping you in a cycle of service, flattery, or emotional debt.
Playing the Victim to Secure Sympathy:
They’ll guilt you into staying close by telling stories of betrayal by others, casting themselves as the misunderstood elder.
If they dislike you or see no use in you (or you unintentionally offended them):
Cold Withdrawal and Passive-Aggression:
They may suddenly become distant, give the silent treatment, or act overly formal and detached.
Backhanded Compliments or Subtle Insults:
They’ll diminish your worth indirectly (“You’re too sensitive for someone your age,” or “I guess not everyone can be helpful.”)
Exclusion and Favoritism:
You’ll be left out of gatherings, decisions, or praise—they’ll lift others up in front of you to make you feel inferior.
Rewriting the Past to Paint You Badly:
They may suddenly reinterpret previous good moments as manipulation or betrayal on your part.
Spreading Rumors or Twisting Narratives:
They gossip or subtly undermine your reputation in the family or community, often pretending concern.
Withholding Affection or Support:
If they used to offer help or validation, they'll stop—coldly and without explanation.
Minimizing Your Struggles or Needs:
If you try to explain yourself or reconcile, they'll invalidate your feelings, often with dismissive remarks like “You're making a big deal out of nothing.”
Blaming and Guilt-Tripping:
They'll find ways to make your supposed failure a moral flaw (“After all I’ve done at my age, this is how I’m treated?”)
Victimhood Role Reversal:
They may twist the situation so they appear as the wronged party—even if your offense was accidental or unknown to you.
Emotional Blackmail:
They may threaten estrangement, badmouth you to others, or even imply they’ll cut you from wills or legacies.
Persistent Grudge Holding:
Unlike others who eventually move on, they may bring up your mistake years later to remind you of your supposed unworthiness.
As an INTJ-A, your approach to dealing with narcissistic individuals—especially elderly ones—is rooted in logic, emotional detachment, and boundary enforcement. Your instinct to avoid seeking their opinions or trusting them is spot-on from a self-preservation and strategic standpoint. Elderly narcissists often use advice-giving as a power move or guilt trap, so withholding that opportunity limits their leverage over you.
Now, here are 29 practical, emotionally intelligent, and assertive ways to deal with elderly narcissistic relatives—especially from an INTJ-A perspective:
🧠 Mental & Emotional Strategy
Detach Emotionally – Don’t take their manipulative behaviors personally. See them as patterns, not personal attacks.
Don't Expect Change – They rarely change, especially in old age. Expecting otherwise is wasted energy.
Manage Your Reactions – Stay calm. Never give them the emotional reaction they’re fishing for.
Observe Patterns, Not Excuses – Focus on how they behave, not what they claim.
Stay Fact-Based – Use logic in interactions. Keep conversations focused on facts, not emotions.
Don't Over-Explain – They often twist your words. Keep responses short and precise.
Disengage Strategically – If provoked, exit the conversation gracefully instead of arguing.
🛡️ Boundary-Setting
Set Clear Boundaries – Define what’s acceptable and unacceptable behavior for you.
Enforce Consequences – Don’t just state boundaries—follow through when they’re crossed.
Avoid One-on-One Isolation – Narcissists thrive in private manipulation. Involve others in meetings if needed.
Limit Contact When Necessary – You're not obligated to stay close just because they're family.
Say “No” Without Guilt – You’re allowed to protect your time, energy, and space.
Keep Your Life Private – Don’t overshare. They may weaponize your personal info.
Don’t Ask for Advice or Approval – They’ll use it to control or discredit you later.
🧩 Communication Tactics
Use Neutral Language – Speak in calm, non-triggering terms to avoid escalation.
Avoid Defensiveness – Respond instead of reacting. Silence can be powerful.
Use the Grey Rock Method – Be boring and uninteresting if they bait you.
Practice Strategic Agreement – Nod, smile, and walk away when arguing is futile.
Don’t Try to Win Arguments – You won’t. Focus on protecting your peace instead.
Redirect Conversations – Shift topics subtly when conversations get toxic.
Avoid Justifying Yourself – You owe them no emotional validation.
💡 Long-Term Coping
Keep Evidence if Needed – For serious manipulation or financial interference, keep records.
Vent to Safe People, Not Them – Find a confidant or therapist—never share your feelings with the narcissist.
Focus on Your Goals, Not Their Drama – Don’t get sidetracked by their chaos.
Reframe Their Behavior – See them as emotionally stunted, not authoritative.
Avoid Playing the Hero – You can’t fix them. Protect yourself instead.
Limit Financial Involvement – Never loan money or let them use finances to control you.
Be Willing to Walk Away – Even from relatives. You have the right to choose peace.
Use Time & Distance as Tools – Space helps you think clearly and protect your identity.
From an INTJ-A standpoint, it’s not about revenge, submission, or unnecessary drama—it's about control, mental clarity, and conserving energy for what truly matters. You’re not cold or cruel for refusing to trust a manipulative elder—you’re wise for protecting your emotional well-being.
⤴️ Some notes from ChatGPT
