بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
🌻
إنَّ الْحَمْدَ لِلهِ نَحْمَدُهُ وَنَسْتَعِينُهُ وَنَسْتَغْفِرُهُ، وَنَعُوذُ بِاللهِ مِنْ شُرُورِ أَنْفُسِنَا وَمِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ أَعْمَالِنَا، مَنْ يَهْدِهِ اللهُ فَلاَ مُضِلَّ لَهُ، وَمَنْ يُضْلِلْ فَلاَ هَادِىَ لَهُ، وَأَشْهَدُ أَنْ لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللهُ وَحْدَهُ لاَ شَرِيكَ لَهُ، وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُهُ وَرَسُولُه محمد صل الله عليه و سلم
أما بعد
السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته
First of all, to those sisters in Islam who are attending this Google Meet session, regardless of which city or country you're listening from, I would like to first thank Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala and then the founders of this Muslimah organization for giving me the opportunity to share with others some of the Islamic knowledge that Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala has bestowed upon me and I will Inn-sha-Allah be sharing some helpful tips regarding staying steadfast for Allah's sake in marriage. Initially when I was requested by one of the administrators of this group to give a speech via Google Meet on how to avoid divorce, I actually tried my best to decline the invitation, which is similar to what I did previously when I was asked to deliver a lecture on how to be more accepting of polygyny for Allah's sake as a striving Muslimah. I believe that in Islam, and Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala knows best, a Muslim must have certain characteristics, experiences and qualifications in order to be qualified or suitable enough to be regularly giving public speeches as a form of Da'wah (an Arabic term referring to the notable action of calling and inviting, not forcing, others to the truth, Islam and the right 'Aqeedah / belief).
Alhamdulillah. Eventually I accepted the invitation of the sister in Islam who reminded me of the seriousness of concealing certain knowledge when asked about useful and valuable information that Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala has bestowed upon you.
Abu Ismaa`eel Al-Harawee (481H) with his chain of narration to Abdullaah Ibn `Amr (RadhiAllahu 'anhu) that Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said:
“Whoever conceals knowledge, then Allah will bridle him with a bridle of fire [on the Day of Resurrection].”
(Saheeh: Reported by Al-Haakim in Mustadrak, Kitaabul-`Ilm 1/102 – see attached scan for the Arabic text and complete referencing by Shaikh `Alee Naasir Al-Faqeehee, hafidhahullaah)
في حديث
قال النبي محمد ﷺ: من سئل عن علم، فكتمه؛ ألجمه الله يوم القيامة بلجام من نار
So here I am, Alhamdulillah, reading from a script which took several days to prepare because I had to do some research on topics related to divorce and listen to several lectures and recorded fatawa, religious verdicts answered by a number of reliable scholars on YouTube and some websites including https://binbaz.org.sa/
Before Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala decreed that I marry my husband in the month of Shawwal, some days after 'Eid Al-Fitr, at age twenty while he was 28 years old, I used to receive multiple marriage proposals back during our stay in Saudi Arabia. One of those suitors who proposed was a Filipino Muslim, also of Maranao tribe like myself, and he was employed in Madinah at that time. Another suitor was the son of two Pakistani friends of my dear parents (Allah yarhamhuma. Ameen.) whom they became acquainted with at WAMY - World Assembly Of Muslim Youth - in Riyadh city, an Islamic institute that offered regular classes to both Muslim adults and children to learn more about Islam, Qur'an reading and Arabic language. The other suitor could be described as a so-called "childhood friend" because I've known him since he was an infant while I was a toddler, and one of the main reasons why I rejected his marriage proposal without even properly interviewing him in the presence of our mahrams is the fact he was about two or three years younger than me. Even as a teenager I had this preference for marrying an older man since I wanted my future husband to be more mature, more experienced and one who would also be more deserving of my respect and loyalty for Allah's sake.
There was also another marriage proposal if I am not mistaken coming from a Filipino Muslim but who was an employee in the United States and my dear parents (Allah yarhamhuma. Ameen.) immediately rejected his proposal, without asking me for my opinion, not because we have something against that country but they did not like the idea of me living so far away from them. After some time my dear parents (Allah yarhamhuma. Ameen.) decided that we move to the Philippines from Saudi Arabia in the year 2006 and that I should marry my first-degree cousin who was studying to become a medical doctor that time.
Alhamdulillah. I married my cousin at age 20 and became his first wife at age 26. Polygyny was not something new to me since even in my teens, Alhamdulillah, I was familiar with the concept of "plural marriage" or "polygyny" and my dear grandfather (Allah yarhamhu. Ameen.) was a husband of three wives. Several years after my husband got a second wife who is Visayan (if I am not mistaken), they separated after discovering that she was in some kind of romantic relationship with another guy or two different individuals. While a lot of first wives would typically celebrate out of joy if they were in my situation, I actually wish that she would leave her current partner, if they're still together, and that she returns to being my husband's second legal wife for the following reasons:
1. I feel sorry for her children, that nowadays they can't enjoy the unique love of a biological mother.
2. I feel sorry for her, that she can't spend quality time with the children whom she gave birth to and while many of the women from her relatives get to raise their kids, she is deprived of the opportunity to take care of her own offsprings on a regular basis.
3. I want her to be a member of our family so
Inn-sha-Allah I could teach her more about Islam and hopefully enlighten her, with guidance from Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala, on the reality of this temporary dunya and what our actual goal or purpose in life is.
To tell you the truth, my marriage life, especially in the beginning stages, when my dear parents were still alive (Allah yarhamhuma. Ameen.), was not always a bed of roses. Things between my husband and I were not always easy, particularly since our personality types are very different. For example, he's an extrovert who enjoys hanging out with many of his friends and colleagues for long periods while I, as an introvert, tend to be extremely choosy regarding who I socialize with.
There were numerous moments when we would argue and disagree on various matters. I remember that one time when I actually shouted at my dear husband, yelling at him to get out of the house which my dear parents bought, in the land which was sold by his father (Allah yarhamhum. Ameen.) and I recall seeing him rushing to collect all his clothes as he was packing his luggage before he stormed out of the compound. Then after several hours my dear husband came back with a taxi, that time he didn't own any car yet, and with tears rolling down his face he apologized, said he was sorry and we both hugged each other with me shedding tears as well.
Even after that misunderstanding, there were still occasional arguments so much so that a family meeting was conducted.
Allah the Almighty said, in Surah An-Nisaa:
{ وَإِنۡ خِفۡتُمۡ شِقَاقَ بَیۡنِهِمَا فَٱبۡعَثُوا۟ حَكَمࣰا مِّنۡ أَهۡلِهِۦ وَحَكَمࣰا مِّنۡ أَهۡلِهَاۤ إِن یُرِیدَاۤ إِصۡلَـٰحࣰا یُوَفِّقِ ٱللَّهُ بَیۡنَهُمَاۤۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِیمًا خَبِیرࣰا (35) ۞ وَٱعۡبُدُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ وَلَا تُشۡرِكُوا۟ بِهِۦ شَیۡـࣰٔاۖ وَبِٱلۡوَ ٰلِدَیۡنِ إِحۡسَـٰنࣰا وَبِذِی ٱلۡقُرۡبَىٰ وَٱلۡیَتَـٰمَىٰ وَٱلۡمَسَـٰكِینِ وَٱلۡجَارِ ذِی ٱلۡقُرۡبَىٰ وَٱلۡجَارِ ٱلۡجُنُبِ وَٱلصَّاحِبِ بِٱلۡجَنۢبِ وَٱبۡنِ ٱلسَّبِیلِ وَمَا مَلَكَتۡ أَیۡمَـٰنُكُمۡۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا یُحِبُّ مَن كَانَ مُخۡتَالࣰا فَخُورًا (36) }
[Surah An-Nisāʾ: 35-36]
"If you fear a breach (or dissension, disagreement) between the two of them (the man and his wife), appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from her family; if they both wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation. Indeed Allah is Ever All-Knower, Well-Acquainted with all things."
[Surah An-Nisāʾ: Ayah 35]
Some of my husband's relatives, together with my dear husband of course, went to our residence and I remember one of my uncles, one of my father's cousins, being the main intermediary or arbitrator (Allah yarhamhu. Ameen.). Before the formal meeting, I recall my dear mother (Allah yarhamha. Ameen.) advising me to stay firm, to stick to my decision and willingness to be divorced because "after all there are a lot of men out there who are more financially stable, who can afford their own homes and who can provide more time and attention to the wife" etc. I believe that my dear mother (Allah yarhamha. Ameen.) was really looking forward to hearing me say yes to the question on whether or not I was fully sure and absolutely certain about my choice to divorce, as she looked so disappointed when I declared, in front of all our relatives and the attendees, that I wasn't completely willing to proceed with the divorce. I remember my elderly uncle asking my husband what his thoughts were and my dear husband said something like "it's up to her. If Mariam wants to divorce, I am willing to let her go. If Mariam wants to stay in this marriage, I'm fine if she stays as my wife. Whatever is her decision and parents' decision are okay with me." The way he said those statements inspired me to change my mind because he was giving me an option to either leave or remain, to stay patient in marriage life or to be granted so-called freedom and be separated. Imagine a situation in which you're taking a challenging exam with other examinees, and the examiner sees you struggling to answer a few questions while they know that you have the ability or capacity to solve those problems eventually. Passing that exam would result in winning a special grand prize, and you're allowed to forgo or cancel it anytime. Since I agreed, from the beginning, with willingness and determination, to take that exam, eager to pass Allah's tests as much as I can, backing out and terminating the deal to complete the tasks would indicate that I am not trustworthy, that I don't value integrity, and in such case that I don't take marriage seriously. Because I believe my intention of marrying my dear husband for Allah's sake was sincere, I chose to not divorce, despite somewhat disappointing my dear parents (Allah yarhamhuma. Ameen.) who were both very ready, together with my dear brothers Ahmad and AbdurRahman, to stand by me in the journey they thought I would choose.
I would like to share that before the family meeting was conducted, and Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala knows me more than myself, I may have prayed two Sunnah Rak'ahs of Salat Al-Istikhaara and sought help and guidance from Allah the Most Wise Who controls everything.
Jabir Ibn Abdullah RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: The Messenger of Allah, Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, “When one of you has a matter of concern (must make a decision), let him perform two units (or two Rak'ahs) of prayer besides the obligatory prayers. Then, let him say, ‘O Allah, I seek guidance from Your knowledge and Power from Your Might, and I ask You from Your tremendous favor. Verily, You have Power and I do not have power, and You know and I do not know. You are the Knowing of the unseen. O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for my religion and my livelihood and my destiny, or if it is better for my present and latter needs, then decree it for me and make it easy for me and bless me in it. But if You (Allah the Most Wise) know that this matter is evil for my religion and my livelihood and my destiny, or if it is worse for my present and latter needs, then divert it from me and keep me away from it, and destine what is good for me and then make me contented with it.‘ Then mention his need.”
Source: Sahih Al-Bukhārī 1166
Grade: Sahih (Authentic) according to Al-Bukhari
So, Alhamdulillah, I don't feel any regret from choosing to cancel the opportunity to consider divorce because I asked for Allah's Guidance and prayed Salat Al-Istikhaara, just as I don't feel remorse whatsoever nor sorry for myself in deciding to stay married to my dear husband because prior to accepting his marriage proposal, I also prayed two Sunnah Rak'ahs of Salat Al-Istikhaara.
Allah the Almighty said, in Surah An-Nisaa:
{ یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوۤا۟ أَطِیعُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ وَأَطِیعُوا۟ ٱلرَّسُولَ وَأُو۟لِی ٱلۡأَمۡرِ مِنكُمۡۖ فَإِن تَنَـٰزَعۡتُمۡ فِی شَیۡءࣲ فَرُدُّوهُ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ وَٱلرَّسُولِ إِن كُنتُمۡ تُؤۡمِنُونَ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلۡیَوۡمِ ٱلۡـَٔاخِرِۚ ذَ ٰلِكَ خَیۡرࣱ وَأَحۡسَنُ تَأۡوِیلًا }
[Surah An-Nisāʾ: Ayah 59]
"O you who believe! Obey Allah and obey the Messenger (Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم), and those of you (Muslims) who are in authority. (And) if you differ in anything amongst yourselves, refer it to Allah and His Messenger (Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam), if you believe in Allah and in the Last Day. That is better and more suitable for final determination."
Alhamdulillah. In my network or circle of individuals whom I am acquainted with, I know two Muslim females who went through divorce temporarily then after some time, Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala destined that they remarry their husbands. Alhamdulillah, they remarried and continued having more children, with Allah's Will. In Islam, you are allowed to remarry your ex-spouse twice. This means that if you marry a Muslim whose name, for example, is Muhsin and you decide to divorce after five years, Muhsin can approach your father or other male guardians if he is interested in having you again as his wife. So you both remarry, this is your second wedding with him but your first remarriage. Then after three years, he announces that he is divorcing you due to such and such reasons but then he returns to your father or other male guardians and they all agree on another remarriage which you do not object to because you actually enjoyed the first two weddings while your husband has an undeniably respectable job as one of the founders of an Islamic school where you teach at. So this remarriage would be your second and last. After another divorce with Muhsin, he is not allowed to remarry you until a completely different guy willingly proposes to you through your parents or male guardians and then this guy willingly divorces you not with the niyyah/intention of making you halal or marriageable to your ex-husband whom you remarried twice but you actually have a complicated personality which your second husband cannot tolerate. After getting a genuine divorce from your second husband, your first husband can then remarry you.
Do you not notice how complicated divorce can get? Divorce, just like marriage, has its own rulings and conditions. Even after divorce, the man is obliged and expected to regularly visit or spend time with his child or children if the former spouses both have a child or kids together. What is the point of divorcing if you still see the face of your ex-husband on a regular basis and he may even be more stubborn and more uncooperative than before regarding financial support?
It is better, in my opinion, to maintain Sabr/patience for Allah's sake with your dear husband than to be a divorcee whose ex-husband refuses to spend any amount of money on his child or children concerning their basic necessities and education. If you truly and sincerely loved your husband for Allah's sake ever since the beginning, then you wouldn't give up on him that easily nor would you want him to be guilty of two or more wrongs instead of just one temporary inconvenience.
I'd like to share Inn-sha-Allah a poem that I wrote a long time ago to mention some of the reasons why divorce, despite it being halal/permissible in Islam, is actually more complicated and difficult than many assume:
In The Name Of Allah The Most Gracious The Most Merciful
✅ Seven reasons why divorce is tougher than you think,
Why separation for some former lovers weakens
Their faith/Imaan and may cause their future to worsen,
Specially if the divorcees share cherished moments,
Cute children, and some of their relatives remain friends:
~•~
One: Divorcing requires signing lots of documents,
Having interviews or conducting tiring meetings,
Applying for new IDs, editing one's current
Marital status on vast social media platforms,
And such tasks can take time if one spouse isn't present.
~•~
Two: Divorce doesn't always have an easy ending.
Often there may be more fights, drama, and arguments,
Including issues pertaining to given items,
Wanting all of one's furniture, things and gifts returned,
And who takes permanent custody of the children.
~•~
Three: Women who take care of the kids of ex-husbands
May not completely move on if they are still sharing
Time spent with the kids and their dad's visits are frequent,
And even after divorce, he still needs to finance
And support his children to ensure he's not sinning.
~•~
Four: A woman whose ex chose to leave her may become
Less friendly with married women, or less confident,
And reducing interactions with her married friends,
So their stories don't remind her of her ex-husband,
Could be her way of coping with her separation.
~•~
Five: A woman who felt close to her former husband
May decide to grant new proposals swift rejection,
While waiting for her first lover with steadfast patience,
And praying that her ex proposes to her again.
Divorcing a loyal wife doesn't solve one's problems.
~•~
Six: A divorcee attending social gatherings,
Shopping, or while walking outdoors, if Allah destines,
May come across her ex or strangers who look like him,
Or from concerned acquaintances she receives questions
On her divorce, which can be stressful and distressing.
~•~
Seven: Breaking up with someone whom you loved loving
And in your heart there remains deep affection for him,
Can feel devastating, disturbed you let shaytan win,
Defeated by shaytan who rejoiced in your splitting,
And you regret letting go of rewarding patience.
~•~
It's better to stay as your husband's wife who's patient,
Understanding of his flaws, distance, tough employment,
Weaknesses, regular absence, or limitations,
While Allah the Most Loving loves your persevering,
And you patiently pray for your husband's improvement.
~•~
From the many reasons why divorce can be an additional problem instead of being an effective solution include:
1] Spending a considerable amount of time and money trying to search for a cooperative lawyer who can assist you regarding your rights throughout your journey in divorce and/or spending lots of time modifying your current marital status on a wide range of social media platforms and editing or renewing certain documents and IDs, going from one office to another office, joining long queues and waiting for lengthy periods for your turn to be interviewed etc.
2] Fighting over the custody of the child or children and arguing over which items must be returned and how much money should be given back by both the former spouses if they both tend to be petty and trivial. Imagine saying to your former husband "Remember that time when I bought you three sets of cologne - one box from Ralph Lauren, the second box from Giorgio Armani, and another from Chanel? Well, I want you to pay back the amount I spent before I sign these divorce papers." and imagine him telling you "For every time I drove you to the various destinations that you requested me to drive you to - I want you to pay 150 pesos because that is almost the same amount you would usually pay if you went to those destinations with a taxi. Count the number of times we traveled to Marawi or Tugaya from Davao city and multiply that number by 1000 times two, for back and forth travel. Whatever number comes up is the amount of pesos you must pay, if you want to play the game of - between quotation marks - "give me back everything that I gave you and you take all the things that you gave me once upon a time"."
3] If a woman demanded divorce because she does not want to see the face of her ex-husband anymore, she is wrong, if they both have a child or children together. Her ex-husband still needs to visit his child or children, financially supporting his kids now and then, and there should be some days or hours designated for their child or children to stay at the residence of their father and this is something which not many women would easily agree to, particularly if they are unable to fully trust the ex-husband to take proper care of their child or children.
4] A lot of female divorcees may feel somewhat insecure when they are in the presence of married women. Imagine if you're the only female divorcee in a group of mostly married friends or if your sisters, aunties, female cousins or the adult nieces are contentedly married while you stand out as the recently divorced and misunderstood "black sheep". Not all female divorcees are confident enough yet to surround themselves with married women many of whom may frequently talk about how wonderful their marriage life is and mention the admirable qualities of their husband, which could remind those divorcees of their so-called failed marriages, and this can have a drastic negative impact on one's self-esteem in the long run if one doesn't know how to counteract those kind of situations.
5] While it can be easier for divorced males, in general, to find somebody else to marry and move on after divorce, a large number of the male population who are heterosexual and Muslims may feel hesitant or somewhat reluctant to marry a divorced Muslimah, assuming that she probably got divorced due to some problems with her attitude or argumentative temperament, or if she has a child or some children, a lot of those single men may not be willing to bear the challenging responsibility of taking care of another man's child or children, particularly if the father of that child or those kids himself is unwilling to spend any amount of money from his pockets and bank account on them.
6] If you divorced a Muslim man who mostly had good qualities while he tried his best to maintain strong connection with Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala, and you divorced him simply because he was too busy trying to earn halal income or because he wanted to increase the size of his family or household through polygyny, you may find yourself after divorce sometimes missing his presence especially if some things or circumstances trigger nostalgia, bringing back sweet memories of you and your former spouse enjoying romantic moments together or if the stories shared by some newlyweds remind you of how amazing your marriage in the first months used to be. If a woman divorces a man who tried his best to be a good husband, and if a man divorces a woman who tried her best to be a good wife, usually that divorce is followed by sadness and disturbing regret, especially if they remarry and realize that the former spouse is so much better and more tolerable than the new spouse.
7] In many cases, divorce doesn't feel like an accomplishment nor does it signal victory, but defeat and loss. The characters who would celebrate your separation and rejoice in your failed marriage would be shaytan, our archenemy, as well as his allies from among the jinns and humankind who likely felt jealous seeing you at peace when you were married.
Generally most divorcees have been defeated by shaytan because the former spouses did not do enough to save and protect their marriage from the evil whispers and vile suggestions of shaytan. Without a doubt, unjustified suspicions and foul assumptions about other Muslims, including your spouse, come from our enemy shaytan who wants to destroy the beautiful connection that Allah the Almighty has decreed and witnessed.
Allah the Almighty said, in Surah Ar-Rum:
{ وَمِنۡ ءَایَـٰتِهِۦۤ أَنۡ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنۡ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَزۡوَ ٰجࣰا لِّتَسۡكُنُوۤا۟ إِلَیۡهَا وَجَعَلَ بَیۡنَكُم مَّوَدَّةࣰ وَرَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّ فِی ذَ ٰلِكَ لَـَٔایَـٰتࣲ لِّقَوۡمࣲ یَتَفَكَّرُونَ }
[Surah Ar-Rūm: Ayah 21]
"And among His Signs is this, that He (Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala) created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He (Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala) put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect."
Eleven factors that could cause your marriage to end in divorce - as Muslims we must avoid these
Inn-sha-Allah to safeguard and preserve our marriage which has been given to us by Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala as a trust and blessing:
Four factors to avoid before marriage, and seven factors to avoid within or during marriage:
The five things to avoid before accepting a Muslim's marriage proposal so that
Inn-sha-Allah we avoid marrying "the wrong guy":
1 ) Instantly agreeing to accept a guy's marriage proposal without actually having a meeting with him in the presence of some mahrams, and failing or forgetting to ask the right questions.
Instead of asking him about his 'Aqeedah and belief, he is asked if he is a medical doctor or engineer. Instead of inquiring about his usual habits and hobbies, and whether he smokes or not, he is asked if he owns a land. Instead of asking him how often he goes to the Masjid to pray and if he can afford to do charity or Zakah and Sadaqah often, he is interrogated on how frequently he travels abroad and how many cars he has etc.
2 ) Being too hasty to believe in the so-called positive tales or false descriptions of the man who is eager to marry, without carefully researching or investigating if those statements said about him are true. So if some claim that this guy is "mayaaman" or remarkably rich, he probably appears wealthy only because he borrows loads of money from others and takes loans from multiple banks a lot. Or if some of his loved ones confirm that he is very charismatic and good with children, while concealing the fact that he is impotent or sterile and any woman who marries him may not be capable of producing offspring, that information about that guy can be a serious problem if it is left undisclosed, specifically if the women he intends to marry wish to have children of their own.
3 ) Not having sincerity/Ikhlaas and the correct niyyah/intention to marry. If you married a guy mainly for his handsome looks or his outward appearance, you may stop feeling attracted to him if one day he looked different due to a change in haircut or body weight, or if you found somebody else who looks way more good-looking than him.
4 ) Not doing one's best to protect and shield oneself from the negative effects of the evil eye and witchcraft or sorcery, which is usually carried out by some intensely envious individuals either from the side of the groom, or from the side of the bride, or both from the families of the bride and groom there are some ignorant individuals trying to carry out witchcraft or black magic against the person whom they envy or disapprove of marrying one of their family members. Black magic is one of the most common causes of spouses often getting into quarrels and disputes with one another if both the Muslim spouses do not regularly say the morning Dhikr and evening Adhkaar and Du'a.
Now the seven factors that we Muslims must avoid for Allah's sake, during or inside of marriage, so Inn-sha-Allah our marriage stays intact and protected:
5 ) ... continuation from the previous list of things to avoid for Allah's sake to Inn-sha-Allah preserve our marriage. Choosing to stay ignorant about our Deen / religion and not putting effort to studying more about Islam. The more we sincerely study about Islam and apply what we have learned and also share with others for Allah's sake the lessons we strive to implement, the stronger our faith Imaan levels become and the stronger our connection with our Creator Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala gets. Muslims whose faith Imaan levels are firm and who consistently do what they can to strengthen their special bond with our Only Rabb/Lord Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala are usually less likely to overreact and insist on divorce while they are aware that divorce is something which is from the permissible things that doesn't always please Allah the Most Wise while divorce and spousal conflicts in reality mostly satisfy and entertain our archenemy shaytan.
It was narrated from 'Abdullah bin 'Umar RadhiAllahu 'anhu that: The noble Messenger of Allah, Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam, said: "The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce."
حَدَّثَنَا كَثِيرُ بْنُ عُبَيْدٍ الْحِمْصِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ خَالِدٍ، عَنْ عُبَيْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ الْوَلِيدِ الْوَصَّافِيِّ، عَنْ مُحَارِبِ بْنِ دِثَارٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عُمَرَ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ " أَبْغَضُ الْحَلاَلِ إِلَى اللَّهِ الطَّلاَقُ".
Allahu A'lam. While some sources online state that this Hadith is "da'eef" or not sound or inauthentic, sheikh Abdul-'Aziz ibn Baz (Allah yarhamhu. Ameen.) and sheikh Saleh Al-Fawzaan (Allah yahfadhuh. Ameen.) on binbaz.org.sa and some recorded lectures on YouTube have mentioned in Arabic language that this Hadith is an acceptable evidence to prove how divorce is not always something commendable or favorable to Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala Who loves it when His believing servants sincerely strive to be patient for His sake during trials and difficulties.
6 ) Not being careful with your manners and the way you communicate with your spouse. Consistently doing things which annoy or offend your husband and refusing to be assertive, while still respectful, in expressing your needs, likes and dislikes to him.
حديث عبد الله بن عمرو بن العاص -رضى الله عنهما- قال: لم يكن رسول الله ﷺ فاحشاً ولا متفحشاً، وكان يقول: إن من خياركم أحسنكم أخلاقاً،
متفق عليه.
Abdullah Ibn Amr RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said: "Verily, among the best of you are those with the best character."
Source: Sahih Al-Bukhari 3366 Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi
عن أَبي هريرة رضي الله عنه، عن النبي ﷺ قال: لَوْ كُنْتُ آمِرًا أحَدًا أَنْ يَسْجُدَ لأَحدٍ لأَمَرْتُ المرْأَةَ أَنْ تَسْجُدَ لِزَوْجِهَا
رواه الترمذي وَقالَ: حديثٌ حسنٌ صحيحٌ.
Abu Huraira RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, "If I were to order anyone to prostrate to another, I would have ordered a wife to prostrate before her husband." Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhī 1159 Grade: Hasan (Fair) according to Al-Tirmidhi Ali Al-Qari said, "That she prostrates to her husband is due to the number of his rights over her and her difficulty in maintaining gratitude for them. This rhetorical point conveys the obligation of the wife to obey her husband in his rights. Indeed, prostration is not lawful to anyone other than Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala." Source: Mirqāt Al-Mafātīḥ 5/2125
7 ) Allowing the major sin of kibr / arrogance or prideful ego to take control of your overall character and actions. Being too arrogant or too proud to forgive each other, being too proud or too arrogant to ask your spouse for some help or advice which they can Inn-sha-Allah provide after you seek help from Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala, or being too egotistical to obey or assist your spouse regarding certain household chores, and having excessive pride in your marriage journey that you frequently compare your marriage story to other couples' journeys, with kibr / arrogance and hasad / jealousy or envy being interlinked - having excessive pride or kibr concerning issues similar to these can gradually increase problems which could pile up and end in divorce.
8 ) When both the spouses are more attached to people, Allah's servants and creation, instead of maintaining strong connection with Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala.
For example: a ) A man is so obsessed with his wife and because he feels afraid of losing her, he acts abnormally jealous and overly protective, commanding her to show him her cellphone every time she receives any call or text message, or he strangely prevents her from even visiting her parents, siblings and female friends unless he also comes along.
Example b ) A woman is infertile and although her husband still loves her despite her infertility, she threatens him with divorce whenever he asks her if she is okay with him remarrying, as Allah the Most Wise has made it lawful for capable and responsible Muslim men to be married to up to four legal wives, while those husbands must ensure that all their multiple wives are treated with wisdom, equity and mercy as much as they can. This woman's irrational attachment to her husband and preference for what her heart selfishly desires, together with her current ignorance of the virtues of polygynous marriages in Muslim communities, are what stop her from letting her husband enjoy his right to remarry and have at least one biological child, with Allah's Will.
Example c ) When the man is more attached to his mother while the man's wife is more attached to the house where she grew up in. She refuses to move in with her husband because she finds some difficulty in leaving the mansion of her parents and she doesn't feel ready to live together with her husband in a different accommodation, simply because she still needs to work on her Tawakkul and trust in Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala while the husband must also rely more on Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala instead of following every instruction that he receives from his mother. Imagine your husband gives you a call and says "My mother told me that if you will not spend Eid Al-Adha here with us for the third time and you prefer to stay there with your parents, then I must divorce you." Or "According to my mother, if our seventh child is a boy again and she doesn't have a granddaughter from you, then I'm sorry but we must divorce. My mom wants me to marry one of her nieces, who is the eldest child of her brother with seven daughters and she hopes that by marrying her Inn-sha-Allah she may have at least one granddaughter."
Being married to an adult in his 30s or 40s who keeps relying on his mother concerning most of his life choices can lead to unnecessary drama or disaster.
9 ) Being impatient with your spouse, being inconsiderate and being overly demanding can bring about frequent conflict in marriage. Remind yourself that you married a human being, just like yourself - you are both prone to forgetting at times, forming misjudgements now and then, and you are both precisely similar in being inarguably imperfect.
Abu Huraira RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, “I enjoin you to treat women well, for the woman was created from a rib and the most curved part of the rib is its highest point. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. If you leave it as it is, it will remain bent. Thus, I enjoin you to be good to women.”
Source: Sahih Al-Bukhari 3153
Sahih Muslim 1468
Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi (Authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Muslim
في حديث صحيح رواه الشيخان في الصحيحين عن النبي ﷺ من حديث أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه، قال ﷺ: استوصوا بالنساء خيرا فإنهن خلقن من ضلع وإن أعوج شيء في الضلع أعلاه فاستوصوا بالنساء خيراً
Thawban RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated that Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said: "Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce when it is not absolutely necessary, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her."
Sunan Ibn Majah 2055
In-book reference: Book 10, Hadith 40
English translation: Vol. 3, Book 10, Hadith 2055
Thawban RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, "Whenever a woman asks her husband for a divorce without a strong reason, the fragrance of Paradise becomes forbidden for her."
Source: Sunan Abī Dāwūd 2226
Grade: Sahih (Authentic) according to Al-Arna'ut
فقد روى أبو داود والترمذي وابن ماجه وصححه ابن خزيمة وابن حبان وحسنه الترمذي عن ثوبان رضي الله عنه أن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال: أيما امرأة سألت زوجها طلاقا من غير بأس فحرام عليها رائحة الجنة. قال صاحب تحفة الأحوذي: فحرام عليها رائحة الجنة.
10 ) Not seeking guidance from Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala and then not asking for constructive and helpful advice from reliable Muslims whenever one encounters any conflict or misunderstanding in marriage. Rushing to say "Let's divorce", "You are divorced", "I am divorcing you", "We need to divorce; clearly we are incompatible" and "I wish I never married you! Divorce me now!" before saying Du'a and asking for help from Allah the Most Wise and then consulting Muslims who strive to fear Only Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala and it is obvious they are contented with their marriage lives and have been married for more than twenty years can only instigate unpleasant or disconcerting outcomes.
Allah the Almighty said in Surah An-Nisaa:
"O you who have believed, obey Allah (Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala) and obey the Messenger (Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and those in authority over you. And if you disagree among yourselves over anything then refer it back to Allah and the Messenger (Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) if you truly believe in Allah and the Last Day. That is better (conduct) and (leads to) the most excellent outcome."
{ یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوۤا۟ أَطِیعُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ وَأَطِیعُوا۟ ٱلرَّسُولَ وَأُو۟لِی ٱلۡأَمۡرِ مِنكُمۡۖ فَإِن تَنَـٰزَعۡتُمۡ فِی شَیۡءࣲ فَرُدُّوهُ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ وَٱلرَّسُولِ إِن كُنتُمۡ تُؤۡمِنُونَ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلۡیَوۡمِ ٱلۡـَٔاخِرِۚ ذَ ٰلِكَ خَیۡرࣱ وَأَحۡسَنُ تَأۡوِیلًا }
[Surah An-Nisāʾ: Ayah 59]
عن تميم الداري رضي الله عنه، قال:
قال الرسول محمد صل الله عليه و سلم:
الدِّينُ النَّصِيحَةُ. قُلْنا: لِمَنْ؟ قالَ: لِلَّهِ ولِكِتابِهِ ولِرَسولِهِ ولأَئِمَّةِ المُسْلِمِينَ وعامَّتِهِمْ.
الراوي : تميم الداري | المحدث : مسلم | المصدر : صحيح مسلم
الصفحة أو الرقم: 55
Tamim Al-Dari RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, “Religion is sincere goodwill (advice/naseeha).” We said, “To whom?” The Prophet SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, “To Allah, His Book, His Messenger (Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam), the leaders of the Muslims, and their common people.” Source: Sahih Muslim 55
Grade: Sahih (Authentic) according to Muslim
11 ) Discontentment with Allah's Qadr / Destiny and refusing to search for the noteworthy attributes in the man whom Allah the Most Wise has chosen for you as your other half and soulmate. When a woman is unsatisfied with her husband, there is a bigger possibility of her to compare her husband to other men, whether those men are the husbands of her sisters, the husbands of her friends or female coworkers, or even her brothers. She may scold her husband with statements like "How come my brothers can afford to travel to other countries with their wives during vacation, while we sometimes go to Marawi or General Santos City only?" Or "Why don't you be more like my brothers? If their wives could not prepare dinner due to busyness or shortage of ingredients, they enjoy dining at buffet restaurants?" Until your husband whose ego has been hurt says "Go marry your brothers then!" AstaghfurAllah Al-'Atheem. See what pride / kibr and ignorance of our Deen Islam can do to spoil one's marriage?
Divorce, although it is halal / permissible, is not always the best solution for the following reasons:
1. Divorce is something disliked by Allah the Almighty and something which pleases or entertains shaytan because the divorcees could not be strong enough to fight against impatience, kibr / arrogance, selfishness, greed for one's desires without cautiously reflecting on the impact of divorce, and preferring the temporary joys and superficial pleasures of this fleeting dunya over the eternal bliss and everlasting peace in Jannah Paradise.
2. Divorce in most circumstances bring about unhappy broken families and a lot of the children of divorcees struggle from severe depression and/or behavioral problems. Do you really want your child or children to live the remaining days of their lives without a father? Would it be okay with you if you knew that sometimes your children blame themselves for their parents' divorce? And how positive are you that your divorce won't be a cause of mockery for your child or children in the future? Wouldn't they feel bad about themselves if most of their classmates enjoyed the love and care of both parents while they only have a single mom or dad who left their mom and married somebody else whom they still can't accept as their stepmother because most children, if not all, understand that one's mother can never be replaceable?
3. Allah the Almighty knows best. The strength of a Muslim community may also depend on the strength of its family units. Imagine a large wall consisting of concrete bricks and each brick of that wall is firmly intact and stable with a very strong foundation. The wall represents a Muslim community while each of the bricks can represent Muslim families within a Muslim community and the strong foundation can represent the right or correct 'Aqeedah and understanding of Tawheed (Islamic monotheism - to believe that Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala is the One and Only True God Whom we worship). So as Muslims, Alhamdulillah, we aspire and aim to worship Only Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala, not what our nafs or ego selfishly desires.
Now imagine if that wall had some bricks with some damages or cracks due to an earthquake or some fracture. That wall would be unstable and unfit for its purpose to complete a whole room. The room can represent human society. A society with a lot of communities dealing with the gradual increase of divorce rates may not function and thrive as successfully as societies with strong family units. Communities with rising divorce rates are more likely to produce problematic children and citizens with self-esteem issues that could negatively affect their general performance in their workplace or how they often interact with others online and offline.
I'd like to share another poem Inn-sha-Allah on why I dislike divorce even though it is halal / permissible in Islam:
✅ While divorce for some females symbolizes "freedom"
And "the best choice" to "escape" from a "loveless romance",
I view it as a testament and confirmation
That an ex-wife's love wasn't real from the beginning.
If it were true, she'd find solutions to stay with him.
~•~
While most regard divorce as the "correct decision"
If the spouses can't deal with disputes, discontentment,
And frequent absence, I see it as an evidence
That they weren't determined enough to keep fighting
For their marriage and overall they lacked inner strength.
~•~
While divorce shows "courage" according to some women,
To me it indicates cowardice and impatience,
Selfishness in having too many expectations,
Insincerity when defeated by distractions,
And banality when unable to solve problems.
~•~
With the fact that divorce is lawful I've no problem.
It's illogical though for a man and his woman
To agree on breaking the beautiful connection,
Which Allah the Most Wise destined, for trivial reasons.
Why disconnect a link when it's clearly a blessing?
~•~
Why follow the crowd that decides based on emotions?
Why treat marriage like half-finished meals thrown by children
Who don't know the importance of proper consumption?
If your spouse can get toxic, don't quickly discard them.
Train them to improve and wait for their development.
~•~
Your husband ain't food that you can throw in the dustbin
When loving him can't be done to your satisfaction.
He's a human, just like you, with flaws and shortcomings.
Pass Allah's tests in marriage with lots of trust in Him
And with the sort of patience that won't think of quitting.
~•~
While divorce is viewed by some as the "right solution"
To incompatibility and disappointments,
I perceive it as a cowardly move or action
Confirming that one's love wasn't really genuine.
Links which lead to Allah shouldn't be quickly broken.
~•~
If you were to ask me "When can a woman ask for separation?" I would say, and Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala always knows best, divorce may be a good solution for you if:
1 ] Your husband one day declared in public that he left Islam and became an apostate, and he won't listen to your advice of rethinking his decision and retracting his mistake.
قال الله سبحانه و تعالى في سورة النور:
{ ٱلۡخَبِیثَـٰتُ لِلۡخَبِیثِینَ وَٱلۡخَبِیثُونَ لِلۡخَبِیثَـٰتِۖ وَٱلطَّیِّبَـٰتُ لِلطَّیِّبِینَ وَٱلطَّیِّبُونَ لِلطَّیِّبَـٰتِۚ أُو۟لَـٰۤىِٕكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا یَقُولُونَۖ لَهُم مَّغۡفِرَةࣱ وَرِزۡقࣱ كَرِیمࣱ }
[Surah An-Nūr: Ayah 26]
Allah the Almighty said, in Surah An-Nur verse 26:
"Bad statements are for bad people (or bad women are for bad men) and bad people are for bad statements (or bad men are for bad women). Good statements are for good people (or good women are for good men) and good people are for good statements (or good men are for good women), such (good people) are innocent of (each and every) bad statement which they say, for them is Forgiveness, and Rizqun Karim (generous provision i.e. Paradise)."
If a Muslim woman strives for Allah's sake to adhere to the Sunnah of the beloved Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam, she should not be associating with anybody from the people of innovation and evil desires, or ahlul bid'ah, even if such person sent her a marriage proposal.
2 ] Striving to be patient with your husband's frequent absence, consistent misconduct, or breaking of his promises causes your faith Imaan level to become weak and you find yourself often feeling less motivated to pray or even read from the Noble Qur'an, because you sense that staying married to this guy brings you farther away from serving Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala properly, and additionally your parents or male guardians such as your immediate uncles, biological brothers or half brothers sincerely advise you to leave your unsupportive husband and want to check if you're willing to marry an apparently better Muslim man whom they have known for a long time and has a decent job within close proximity to your family. If you struggle to love your husband who can't inspire you to become a better Muslimah while there is a much better alternative available, then Inn-sha-Allah you may ask for divorce and consider accepting the marriage proposal of the seemingly better option after your 'iddah (waiting period) and if he is willing to marry you wholeheartedly for Allah's sake. If I were in that situation though, I would rather stay married for Allah's sake to my dear husband in spite of his imperfections, knowing that every other guy out there who is perceived to be marriageable is not devoid of defects and limitations.
3 ] You discovered that your "husband" was born female. The moment you realize that your spouse is in reality of the same gender as you, that is the perfect instance to divorce without bothering to invent reasons to stay in such invalid and indecent relationship.
4 ] You caught your husband intentionally flirting with your mother more than once and you observe definite signs that he feels attracted to the woman who gave birth to you. I believe that it would be more reasonable and safer for your overall well-being if you were not married to a man who is more "in love" with your mom than with you.
5 ] You found out that your husband is involved in some kind of crime or illegal activities, and he stubbornly refuses to listen to your advice and warnings, and more so if he insists that you participate in his wrongdoings or become an accomplice. If your husband orders you to join him in selling marijuana or some intoxicants, or he instructs you to plagiarize some questionable documents, or he commands you to accompany him to commit an obvious bid'ah with other misguided sects or deviated groups, then for Allah's sake you must leave this person after you have exhausted all the possibilities and did your utmost to educate, remind and rectify him.
عن أبي سعيد الخدري رضي الله عنه أن النبي محمد صل الله عليه و سلم قال:
من رأى منكم منكرًا فليغيره بيده، فإن لم يستطع فبلسانه، فإن لم يستطع فبقلبه، وذلك أضعف الإيمان.
رواه مسلم في الصحيح
Abu Sa'eed Al-Khudri RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, "Whoever among you sees evil, let him change it with his hand (by stopping it physically). If he is unable to do so, then with his tongue (verbally, by warning or speaking against that wrongdoing). If he is unable to do so, then with his heart (by at least hating the sin instead of admiring the wrongdoers), and that is the weakest level of faith."
Source: Sahih Muslim 49 Grade: Sahih (Authentic) according to Muslim
عن علي رضي الله عنه قال: حدثني رسول الله ﷺ بأربع كلمات: لعن الله من ذبح لغير الله، لعن الله من لعن والديه، لعن الله من آوى محدثا، لعن الله من غير منار الأرض.
رواه مسلم.
In a Hadith, it was reported that the noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam warned against the people of innovation (ahlul-bid'ah), from befriending, supporting or taking (advice or lessons) from them:
"Whoever innovates or accommodates an innovator (knowingly) then upon him is the curse of Allah (Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala), His Angels and the whole of mankind."
Reported by Bukhari (12/41) and Muslim (9/140)
11 Things which a Muslim wife must avoid for Allah's sake, regarding how she treats her husband, so Inn-sha-Allah she can prevent or minimize conflict and disputes in her marriage (in no particular order):
1• Do not make it a habit to regularly check your husband's cellphones without his permission, whether in his presence or absence. Doing this on a regular basis can make him feel as if you do not trust him. If he discovers that you cannot trust him, he may either distance himself and suspect you likewise, or he may actually do some inappropriate things to prove that your suspicions are right.
2• Do not do things which he may perceive as hurtful or disrespectful, especially if he can be very sensitive or you acknowledge that he generally cares about people's opinions of him. Especially do not disrespect nor embarrass your dear husband in front of your children, his parents, your parents, his family and yours, his friends and his colleagues.
3• Do not keep male non-mahrams in your lists of online friends. Do not allow your husband to see you being overly friendly with any non-mahram male including his brothers and male cousins.
Narrated `Uqba Ibn 'Amir RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: Allah's Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansaar said, "O' Allah's Messenger! What about Al-Hamu (the male in-laws of the wife like the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?"
The Prophet Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam answered: The in-laws of the wife are death itself.
Reference: Sahih Al-Bukhari 5232
In-book reference: Book 67, Hadith 165
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 159
4• As much as possible do not backbite or speak negatively about your husband to any human being, no matter how angry or upset you temporarily feel, particularly to anybody who cares about your husband including his sisters, aunties and even your child or children.
قال الله سبحانه و تعالى في سورة الحجرات:
{ یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱجۡتَنِبُوا۟ كَثِیرࣰا مِّنَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعۡضَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِثۡمࣱۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُوا۟ وَلَا یَغۡتَب بَّعۡضُكُم بَعۡضًاۚ أَیُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمۡ أَن یَأۡكُلَ لَحۡمَ أَخِیهِ مَیۡتࣰا فَكَرِهۡتُمُوهُۚ وَٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّهَۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ تَوَّابࣱ رَّحِیمࣱ }
[Surah Al-Ḥujurāt: Ayah 12]
Allah the Almighty said in Surah Al-Hujuraat (the dwellings):
"O you who believe, avoid much suspicion. Indeed, much of suspicion (being devoid of evidence and truth) comprises sin. And do not spy (to seek out errors, shortcomings and what is hidden of others) and let not some of you backbite others. Would one of you like to (physically) eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would hate (to do) it (or: you would hate people knowing that you did it) (so hate backbiting in a similar manner). And fear Allah (The Almighty), indeed Allah (Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala) is Accepting of repentance, Merciful (to His believing servants)."
If your husband does something upsetting, either confront him directly and respectfully discuss the issue that is bothering you OR simply say Du'a, seeking help and guidance from our Creator Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala Who controls everything.
5• Don't talk to him about your sinful / ignorant past. Mentioning to him about the wrongdoings which you used to do could spoil his good perception of you.
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَة رضي الله عنه قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ محمد صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ:
كُلُّ أُمَّتِي مُعَافًى إِلَّا الْمُجَاهِرِينَ وَإِنَّ مِنْ الْمُجَاهَرَةِ أَنْ يَعْمَلَ الرَّجُلُ بِاللَّيْلِ عَمَلًا ثُمَّ يُصْبِحَ وَقَدْ سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ فَيَقُولَ يَا فُلَانُ عَمِلْتُ الْبَارِحَةَ كَذَا وَكَذَا وَقَدْ بَاتَ يَسْتُرُهُ رَبُّهُ وَيُصْبِحُ يَكْشِفُ سِتْرَ اللَّهِ عَنْهُ.
6069 صحيح البخاري
كتاب الأدب
باب ستر المؤمن على نفسه
2990 صحيح مسلم كتاب الزهد والرقائق باب النهي عن هتك الإنسان ستر نفسه
Abu Huraira RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated that: Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, “Everyone from my nation will be forgiven except those who sin in public. Among them is a man (or woman) who commits an evil deed in the night that Allah (The Almighty) has hidden (or kept secret) for him, then in the morning he (or she) says: "O people, I have committed this sin!' His Lord/Rabb (Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala) had hidden it during the night, but in the morning he reveals what Allah (The Most Wise) has hidden."
Source: Sahih Al-Bukhari 6069, Sahih Muslim 2990
Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi (Authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Muslim
You don't need to confess to any human being, including your husband, about the sins and wrongdoings which you have sincerely repented from for your Tawbah repentance to be accepted.
6• Don't remind him of his previous mistakes and sins which he sincerely repented from, such as how he may have attended some so-called prom events when he was in high school or college if he studied at a school where a large number of the students are non-Muslims that time. Encouraging him to recall unpleasant incidents could trigger futile arguments.
7• As much as possible, don't backbite about anybody in his presence, especially don't complain irrationally about any of his loved ones, because he may get the feeling that you also prattle to others about him obnoxiously when he is not around.
Remember, backbiting is a major sin which we Muslims must avoid for Allah's sake, as much as possible.
8• Don't describe to him the beauty or attractive qualities of your female cousins, friends, neighbors, classmates and colleagues, unless you want him to ask you in the future if you are okay with him marrying that woman whose captivating characteristics are regularly advertised and mentioned to him with so much enthusiasm.
9• Do not criticize any of your husband's relatives, particularly his parents, so that he doesn't get all defensive, unless you are truly concerned about them and you wish your husband to advise his loved ones for their well-being or to give you advice on how to deal with them.
10• Do not allow one entire week to pass by without putting effort to communicate with your husband through sending him a text message, a loving greeting or an email asking him how he has been doing, especially if your husband works at a different city or he has another legal wife and you're in a polygynous marriage.
11• Do not allow yourself to starve while waiting for him to have lunch, snacks or dinner with you. If it took a significant amount of time to prepare a special meal for your husband and he still hasn't arrived from his duty, try to eat something from the meal that you have prepared so if your husband arrives late, you only need to reheat what you have cooked instead of starting a heated debate or melodramatic interrogation about his lack of punctuality.
Nine reasons for Muslim wives to stay in a marriage and some essential points to reflect on before considering divorce as a so-called "solution":
1° You personally agreed to this marriage for Allah's sake from the very start of knowing about your husband's proposal to marry you. You willingly said yes, and you know that Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala knows you accepted your husband's marriage proposal without anybody forcing you to show approval. You promised to Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala that you would
Inn-sha-Allah try your very best to be a good Muslim wife to your husband until his soul is returned to Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala or Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala takes your soul before your husband's.
Allah the Almighty said in Surah An-Nisaa:
{ وَكَیۡفَ تَأۡخُذُونَهُۥ وَقَدۡ أَفۡضَىٰ بَعۡضُكُمۡ إِلَىٰ بَعۡضࣲ وَأَخَذۡنَ مِنكُم مِّیثَـٰقًا غَلِیظࣰا }
[Surah An-Nisāʾ: Ayah 21]
"And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant?"
Any agreement you make for the sake of Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala, such as agreeing to become a Muslim man's wife, must never be taken for granted nor easily discarded or cancelled as if marriage is not a serious matter while marriage is actually a serious issue, particularly when Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala witnessed, planned and decreed your marriage.
Do not allow shaytan to destroy your marriage.
2° While your husband may not be the best and most handsome Muslim around, since every Muslim is a human being and all humans are not devoid of imperfections, your husband tries his best to be a good servant of Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala and does what he can to pray in the Masjid or a Musalla regularly.
3° Your husband ensures that all his earnings are halal and he avoids getting involved in unlawful matters, crimes and illegal transactions.
4° You can't deny the fact that there is at least one remarkable or endearing aspect or quality in your husband which you're attracted to. It could be his sense of humor and ability to make you laugh effortlessly, his approachability and charisma with children, his love for taking care of cats which you both have in common, his dedication to working as a compassionate medical doctor, or his eagerness to study more about Islam while doing Da'wah for Allah's sake whenever he can.
5° You have a loving connection or strong friendship with at least two of his loved ones, whether they are his parents, his grandparents, your child and his mother, his sister and a female cousin, or your children. Why disunite a family all because of ego?
6° You admit that you and your husband have enjoyed so many memorable and delightful moments together including traveling together to a different city or village, perhaps you both performed Hajj and/or 'Umrah together, playing halal games together, going to the amusement park as a family, praying together while he was your Imam numerous times and even shedding tears together etc.
7° Recall that a lot of female divorcees are less likely to receive new marriage proposals because not many males are willing to marry previously married women. There is also this negative stereotype or stigma associated with most divorcees. If you're divorced, a lot of critics in society may assume that your marriage failed due to your bad temper, aggressive personality or unreasonably high expectations. It is as if you are carrying a warning sign or label which says "If I failed to get along with my ex-spouse, don't expect us to get along." or "If I couldn't succeed in being a good friend to my former spouse, don't be surprised if one day you too become a former friend." Many divorcees (no offense) are known to be quarrelsome, narcissistic or egoistic, uncooperative, too sensitive and impatient.
8° If you and your ex-husband have a child or some children together, it is still mandatory for your ex-spouse to financially support his children, which means you still get to see him and must say goodbye to your kids once a week or every other two weeks when it is your ex-husband's turn to spend quality time with his children.
9° Divorcing your spouse means that you both have wasted all your time, energy and money that you spent in the past on each other. The money spent on your wedding, transportation and in purchasing the needs of your children - all those would be easily discarded as if you deliberately caused a tower of blocks to topple over each other after spending days or weeks trying to balance them, ensuring those blocks wouldn't fall. Are you sure you want to throw away all that amount of wealth and possibly even spend some more amount of money if your ex-spouse demands that you pay him back all the amount of money which he spent on you when you used to share several belongings and properties?
Your husband, Alhamdulillah, has the mental capacity to evaluate himself and as a Muslim with intellect he should be receptive and open to listening to your advice and helpful reminders instead of being scolded and belittled every time he makes a mistake. If you don't like how he still hasn't given up smoking, if the allowance he can afford to give you is still insufficient, and if you can't tolerate his frequent absences or you can't stand the way he neglects or spoils your children, then utilize your thinking and speaking skills which Allah the Most Wise has granted you, politely advise your husband and show him what he can do to develop as an ideal Muslim father.
The following is a poem that I will Inn-sha-Allah share with some advice to Muslim husbands and wives regarding how "Divorce Is Not Always The Best Solution":
To Muslim husbands and wives who married sincerely
To please Allah the Almighty, some advice from me -
A wife, who married my male cousin at age twenty
After rejecting other proposals previously -
From one who's been a wife for about seventeen years
And who's one of the few who welcome polygyny,
My advice: Stay firm. Strengthen your 'Aqeedah / belief.
~•~
Keep learning about Islam. Steadfastly persevere.
Study more about our Deen with your spouse frequently.
If your spouse is often busy, then consistently
Pray to Allah to guide them more, and regularly
Share links to Islamic lectures, writings they can read,
And inspire them to learn more even indirectly.
As your knowledge grows, your faith Imaan levels increase.
~•~
As the faith Imaan in your heart grows, you can succeed,
With Allah's Will, you can succeed very easily
In managing the various emotions you may feel -
Anger won't control you when your spouse is in fury,
Sorrow's visits would be brief, jealousy won't come near,
Your contentment won't be spoiled by insecurities,
You become stable when your faith level isn't weak.
~•~
Increase your trust in Allah and say Adhkaar daily,
More Dhikr with Du'a means enhanced tranquility,
And effective shield against black magic / sorcery,
And evil eyes from those guilty of intense envy.
Protect your marriage for Allah. Take it seriously.
Agreements with Allah must not be taken lightly.
Allah loves the patient. shaytan likes disunity.
~•~
shaytan is delighted by disputes, disharmony,
And marital discord when drama starts due to greed,
Acting selfishly, proud, impatient or too needy,
When one spouse asks the other "do you really love me"
As if they haven't accepted Allah's Destiny.
Stay married for Allah. Accept what Allah decreed.
Believe that your spouse was chosen to suit your journey.
~•~
A marriage which appears to strangers as "unhappy"
But with love purely designed to please Allah Only
Is much better than the failures of most divorcees,
Is more decent than seeing sad broken families
With children who are confused by love that's incomplete,
Or kids who feel like cargos as they recurrently
Spend time with their separated parents tirelessly.
~•~
Though divorce is lawful, it's the awful choice to me -
I hate it more than how most wives hate polygyny.
If I were to be divorced, I'd rather remarry
The same first husband whom Allah wisely chose for me,
To show that loyalty meant to serve Allah Only
Can be so much stronger than shaytan's desire to see
The Muslim Ummah suffer as divorce rates increase.
~•~
The following is a list of titles of some recorded Islamic lectures on YouTube that are related to the topic of marriage and divorce. I highly recommend those who understand the English language to attentively listen to these Islamic lectures as doing so can Inn-sha-Allah enlighten you about the seriousness of divorce:
1. "Divorce: Its Reasons and Its Cures (Part 1)"
Speaker: Abu Aadam Jameel Finch
2. "Solutions for the High Divorce Rates"
Speaker: Abu Aadam Jameel Finch
3. "A Believing Woman Honors Her Husband"
Speaker: Abu Aadam Jameel Finch
4. "What if a brother dislikes his wife"
Speaker: Abu Aadam Jameel Finch
5. "How to Have A Fruitful Discussion with Your Spouse"
Speaker: Abu Aadam Jameel Finch
6. "The Rulings of Divorce"
Speaker: Aboo Moosaa Raha Batts
7. "8 Causes That Lead to Divorce"
Speaker: Abu Khadeejah Abdul-Wāhid
عن عبدالرحمن بن عوف رضي الله عنه، قال: قال الرسول محمد صل الله عليه و سلم:
إذا صلَّت المرأةُ خمسَها وصامت شهرَها وحفِظت فرجَها وأطاعت زوجَها قيل لها ادخُلي الجنَّةَ من أيِّ أبوابِ الجنَّةِ شئتِ.
المحدث : السخاوي | المصدر : البلدانيات | الصفحة أو الرقم : 161 | خلاصة حكم المحدث : حسن | التخريج : أخرجه أحمد (1661) واللفظ له، والطبراني
Abu Huraira RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: The Messenger of Allah, Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, "If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will enter (Jannah) Paradise from any gate she wishes."
Source: Sahih Ibn Hibban 4252
Grade: Sahih (Authentic) according to Al-Albani
عن جابر بن عبدالله رضي الله عنه، قال:
قال الرسول محمد صل الله عليه و سلم:
إنَّ إبليسَ يضعُ عرشَه على الماءِ ، ثم يبعثُ سراياه ، فأدناهم منه منزلةً أعظمَهم فتنةً ، يجيءُ أحدُهم فيقولُ : فعلتُ كذا وكذا ، فيقولُ ما صنعتَ شيئًا ، ويجيءُ أحدُهم فيقولُ : ما تركتُه حتى فرَّقتُ بينَه وبين أهلِه ، فيُدْنِيه منه ،
ويقولُ : نعم أنتَ !
المحدث : الألباني | المصدر : صحيح الجامع | الصفحة أو الرقم : 1526 | خلاصة حكم المحدث : صحيح
Jabir bin 'Abdullah RadhiAllahu 'anhu narrated: Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said, "Verily, shaytan places his throne over the water and he sends out his troops. The closest to him in rank are the greatest at causing tribulations. One of them says: 'I have done this and this.' shaytan says: 'you have done nothing.' Another one says: 'I did not leave this man alone until I separated him from his wife.' shaytan embraces him and he says: 'you have done well!'"
Source: Sahih Muslim 2813
Grade: Sahih (Authentic) according to Muslim
Another poem Inn-sha-Allah before I end this reminder also to myself:
View marriage for Allah's sake as a good deed to please
Allah the Almighty first and foremost sincerely.
Like other good deeds, such as prayer and charity,
Righteous acts may come with setbacks and difficulties.
When praying, some may feel distracted, tired or lazy.
And those with large debts may not find sadaqah easy.
Despite struggles, there are solutions eventually.
~•~
When you're fasting, continue, despite feeling hungry,
Especially if your fasting is mandatory.
Fast until Maghreb time. Hunger is temporary.
When praying, strive to focus, even if frequently
Random thoughts arise from shaytan our archenemy.
Do charity once in a while to Muslims needy
Even by sharing kind words if you're not yet wealthy.
~•~
In marriage expect your spouse to occasionally
Do things which make you stressed or question your sanity,
Like when they leave you on "seen" mode or they won't quickly
Give you what you asked for because they were too busy,
Or they don't feel like obeying you, as recently
You did something that hurt them and they immaturely
Always want you to be the first one to say sorry.
~•~
Increase your trust in dear Allah and consistently
Equip yourself with more Adhkaar and with right belief,
Seek Allah's help and protection from these enemies:
shaytan who hates that you as a Muslim would succeed,
Ignorant people who've been defeated by envy -
Jealous of you, your marriage, patience and loyalty,
And lies in the media which paint love incorrectly.
~•~
Don't compare your halal love to other love stories.
Solve marital conflict by saying Du'a firstly.
Seek guidance from Allah Who controls all things fully,
Including people's hearts with feelings temporary.
Pray that Allah blesses your marriage eternally
And that it's one of your means to deserving entry
To Jannah Paradise where there's perfect bliss and peace.
~•~
While divorce is allowed, I emphasize and repeat
That many among divorcees in reality
Regret their decision to divorce without really
Analyzing the consequences of carelessly
Divorcing and letting broken families increase.
Stay married for Allah. Anything you sincerely
Do to serve Allah gets easier eventually.
~•~
Regarding those who divorced then later remarried,
Married a new person to start a new love story,
And state they're much happier than they were previously,
I say "Mabrook" to them. That's their Qadr/Destiny.
As for me, I'm like a writer with one page only,
Willing to erase and forgive, and creatively
Write "loyalty" in various fonts not because I'm cheap
But I value that page and what Allah chose for me -
My spouse whose perfect version in Jannah can be seen.
~•~
سبحانك اللهم و بحمدك
أشهد أن لا إله إلا أنت
أستغفرك و أتوب إليك
السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته
🌻
Jumuah Friday September 27
Some advice from sister Mariam bint Omar Dindang Mababaya
📋
PDF document which you can Inn-sha-Allah share as sadaqah jaariya:
Text:
🇵🇭
Tagalog Filipino translation of the above summarized reminders by dear sister Fatima Sherl bint Ismun:
