๐ Question: What made you accept polygyny? How can a woman know that her husband loves her if he is married to multiple wives?
๐ Answer: Alhamdulillah I was aware of the concept of polygyny since I was a teenager and my late grandfather (Allah yarhamhu. Ameen.) was married to three wives. I've always admired big families, especially those that are so supportive of one another regarding both Dunya and Deen related matters. My husband himself grew up in a large household consisting of twelve siblings, raised well by his mother who gave birth to seven sons and five daughters. Alhamdulillah another benefit of marrying my cousin, after all the marriage proposals that I previously rejected, is being more understanding, patient and tolerant towards individuals with special needs or disabilities, since one of his brothers shows signs of autistic behavior.
When my husband expressed to me his desire to have more children, I apologized to him explaining why I couldn't fulfill what he wanted due to some complications and health issues. Afterwards I informed him about polygyny and how I'm okay if he remarried. Upon asking me if a man is obliged to ask for his wife's permission if he can remarry, I told him it's a man's right in Islam to have up to four wives even if one of the wives disagrees or threatens him with separation. Around the year 2012, when I was about 26 years old, I found out he had a second wife (a Visayan) with a son named Yusuf. He told me he chose 'Yusuf' because he remembered how I liked that name. Alhamdulillah to be honest I wasn't shocked to know that my husband married again as I was expecting he'd go for it, since I mentioned to him about how men are allowed to have up to four wives in Islam, so long as they're financially and religiously capable to do so.
I like the idea of polygyny because of the following advantages and reasons:
1) Increase in family size and the number of Muslims who follow the Noble Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad SallAllahu alaihi wa sallam.
The more kids that a man and his wives have, the more children can support their halal businesses or Da'wah work for Allah's sake in the future. If a man's first wife is infertile and incapable of having babies, he has a right to have a second, third and fourth wife if he wishes to raise righteous Muslim children without divorcing the first wife.
2) Opportunity for the wife to have a close friend within the family. Rather than considering her co-wife as an enemy or a threat to her marriage life, she can learn to love her as a friend for Allah's sake. Both can help one another and exchange helpful advice to thrive as pious wives. Loving the same handsome, funny and hardworking man is one of the things they have in common to be more compatible and relatable.
3) Chance for the first wife to rest when her husband is with the other wife. Instead of being too preoccupied with the duties of a busy housewife night and day, making sure the house is spotlessly clean every second and ensuring your lover always enjoys a fabulous evening with you despite feeling exhausted or not in the mood at times (particularly if you're having your period), you get to relax for a few days and enjoy the kind of independence you felt when you were single. Polygyny is suitable for those type of lovers who dislike being too clingy or excessively attached to their partners.
4) Polygyny can educate the children to appreciate unity in spite of diversity, if their father is married to wives from different tribes or countries. It also allows people from various clans and continents to avoid racism, tribalism and nationalism. Imagine a Saudi Muslim guy married to four wives, an Egyptian, a Filipino, an Indian, and a half-British half-Pakistani. Their multiracial kids, along with their cousins and relatives, wouldn't hate on other nationalities because they have a number of family members who come from that country.
5) Welcoming polygyny for Allah's sake can Inn-sha-Allah elevate a woman's rank or status in Jannah for patiently accepting what Allah the Most Wise made permissible for men yet difficult for the majority of women. While staying in a polygynous marriage and wearing the niqab are very hard for many Muslimahs to do, those who are able to see their virtues, wisdom and value can willingly embrace them with rewarding patience and gratitude.
6) If you pass away, the other wives of your husband can look after your children instead of leaving your kids with a widowed father who may marry a woman that could turn out to be an unpleasant stepmother.
7) You sense how your love for your husband is true when you can continue loving him even if he's away for several days or he's with his other lawful wives. For him to be married lawfully to multiple wives is a lot better than to be his only wife while he could be dating some 'secret mistresses'.
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Some of the signs that your husband loves you, when he has multiple wives all of whom he loves so dearly:
1) Allowing you to touch him, massage or hold his hand. Men in general hate being touched by those they're not close to.
2) Answering your text messages and calls, even if they're delayed or brief. If a guy doesn't like you at all, he wouldn't bother checking your message to read.
3) Frequently trying to joke with you and make you laugh, especially when he notices that you're stressed, sad or angry.
4) Being patient enough to listen to you talk or tolerate your weirdness when you behave childishly and playfully.
5) Encouraging you to learn more about Islam, giving you permission to spend time with religious sisters and correcting your mistakes when it's your turn to be advised.
6) Demonstrating random acts of love or surprising you with romantic gestures from time to time, like feeding you from the meal or snack he's eating, offering you a back-rub, massaging your hands, squeezing your nose or cheeks lovingly (facial cheeks and bottom cheeks included), drinking from the same glass or cup you drank from, waking you up for Salah, encouraging you to not be lazy as though he's your coach, advising you to forgive others, appreciating the food you give him or not complaining about your experimental cooking etc.
7) Preferring to see your natural beauty than with cosmetics on or not reacting negatively when he finds you without make-up.
Alhamdulillah those are just some things that indicate your hubby loves you even if you're in a polygynous marriage.
๐ Abdullah Ibn Amr RadhiAllahu anhu narrated that Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu alaihi wa sallam said:
"The world is enjoyment and the best enjoyment in the world is a righteous wife."
Source: Sahih Muslim 1467
Grade: Sahih (Authentic) according to Muslim
Abu Huraira RadhiAllahu anhu narrated that Allah's noble Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu alaihi wa sallam said, “If I were to order anyone to prostrate to another, I would have ordered a wife to prostrate before her husband.”
Source: Sunan Al-Tirmidhi 1159
Grade: Hasan (Fair) according to Al-Tirmidhi
Ali Al-Qari said, “That she prostrates to her husband is due to the number of his rights over her and her difficulty in maintaining gratitude for them. This rhetorical point conveys the obligation of the wife to obey her husband in his rights. Indeed, prostration is not lawful to anyone other than Allah (Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala).”
Source: Mirqāt Al-Mafātīḥ 5/2125
