📜 Question: Does the first wife have superiority over the other wives? Being my husband's second wife, his first wife likes to give me orders as though she's my boss to the point of commanding me to not make it obvious online that I am also married to our husband. Since I respect her a lot, we're friends and she seems like a nice lady, I usually obey her commands. Is it right that the first wife deserves special treatment?
📝 Answer: While polygyny is only
halal/permissibe for men in Islam, it is wajib/obligatory for every husband to
treat his wives fairly. Fairness in polygyny doesn't necessarily mean the
husband gives the exact same thing to each wife, but he tries his best to make sure
all his wives' needs are equally met and they are similarly satisfied. For
example, the first wife prefers receiving jewelry and flowers as gestures of
love from her husband, while his second wife isn't the materialistic type, so
she has a preference for just spending quality time with him at home on
weekends. The first wife likes adventuring and dining outdoors with her
husband, while the second wife is an introverted homebody who doesn't enjoy
going out much, so she is content with her spouse staying with her in their
house to cook together. One beautiful aspect of polygyny is it trains a man to
use his wisdom and intellect in understanding women's different mentality,
calculating the right amount of time to spend with each wife, and he ensures
that whatever he does brings satisfaction to each one of his wives.
Imagine this scenario where a husband has a wife in the Philippines and another wife in Saudi Arabia. His original place of employment is in Saudi Arabia. Since he only gets to travel to the Philippines once a year, the wife living in the Philippines deserves a lot of attention from him while he is visiting. Thus it is okay for the both of them to have a vacation abroad say in Malaysia or Singapore. The wife remaining in Saudi Arabia doesn't have to insist on having her own holiday in an exotic country if she is already contented seeing him regularly when they're together in Saudi. Nonetheless if she still wants to travel with her husband, she can request him to arrange another vacation to the country of her choice. In other polygynous marriages, the husband may prefer that he travels around with both of his wives, allows them to sit together at the backseat of his car and even live with both wives under the same roof but with separate bedrooms.
Not every love journey is the same. Some men prefer their multiple wives to be good friends and well-connected, while other husbands believe it is safer for their wives to not mingle too much so they don't face the tribulation of comparing their lives to one another and wrongly assume the husband is guilty of injustice.
Whatever your husband decides to do, his decisions should suit each one of his wives' needs and he must strive to avoid neglecting any one of them or showing preferential treatment to one of the wives. There is a penalty for husbands who deliberately show favoritism to just one wife. Kindly remind your husband to care for his wives as fairly as he can, and let the first wife know that she has no superiority over you nor other future wives.
Being the first wife of a husband doesn't make her entitled to receive special privileges while the other wives act like she's their queen, boss lady or commander in chief. It's also wrong and insecure of her to command you to set your marital status on Facebook into single and you're willing to comply because you're afraid of her bossiness.
As the second wife, you should be confident and content that you're married to the same man. Don't make yourself appear smaller or insignificant in comparison to her regardless of the first wife's job position or reputation in the community. If she happens to be jealous of you, try your best to lessen or eradicate her negative feelings of jealousy by genuinely befriending her without undermining yourself or behaving as though you're not in her league. You're in the same level, you both share the same husband, and you both deserve good treatment from your destined soulmate who loves you all for Allah's sake. The only thing which differentiates people from one another is Taqwa and piety. The better of two wives is the one who is more patient, more forgiving and closer to Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala.
Invite your co-wife to have lunch often, to attend regular Islamic seminars so your faith/Imaan is strengthened and to have a stronger bond by communicating online and offline whenever you can.
Also remind your husband to fear Allah the Almighty and to treat his wives well so none of the wives feel as if they're lacking something.
Seek Allah's help through constant Du'as. Pray to Allah that He grants you more rewarding Sabr/patience, pray to Allah that He softens the first wife's heart so she is free from the stress of envying you, and pray that Allah blesses your polygynous marriage life so it becomes a worthwhile path which leads to Jannah Paradise.
If there is anything that can alter one's Qadr/Destiny positively, it is the sincere Du'a that is said wholeheartedly. Don't give up your marriage just because of an obstacle which is temporary.
Inn-sha-Allah you'll be rewarded with Allah's Love for striving to stay steadfast and loving your other half patiently.
📖 Aisha RadhiAllahu 'anha narrated: The Messenger of Allah SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said: "The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family."
Source: Sunan Al-Tirmidhī 3895
Grade: Sahih
Imagine this scenario where a husband has a wife in the Philippines and another wife in Saudi Arabia. His original place of employment is in Saudi Arabia. Since he only gets to travel to the Philippines once a year, the wife living in the Philippines deserves a lot of attention from him while he is visiting. Thus it is okay for the both of them to have a vacation abroad say in Malaysia or Singapore. The wife remaining in Saudi Arabia doesn't have to insist on having her own holiday in an exotic country if she is already contented seeing him regularly when they're together in Saudi. Nonetheless if she still wants to travel with her husband, she can request him to arrange another vacation to the country of her choice. In other polygynous marriages, the husband may prefer that he travels around with both of his wives, allows them to sit together at the backseat of his car and even live with both wives under the same roof but with separate bedrooms.
Not every love journey is the same. Some men prefer their multiple wives to be good friends and well-connected, while other husbands believe it is safer for their wives to not mingle too much so they don't face the tribulation of comparing their lives to one another and wrongly assume the husband is guilty of injustice.
Whatever your husband decides to do, his decisions should suit each one of his wives' needs and he must strive to avoid neglecting any one of them or showing preferential treatment to one of the wives. There is a penalty for husbands who deliberately show favoritism to just one wife. Kindly remind your husband to care for his wives as fairly as he can, and let the first wife know that she has no superiority over you nor other future wives.
Being the first wife of a husband doesn't make her entitled to receive special privileges while the other wives act like she's their queen, boss lady or commander in chief. It's also wrong and insecure of her to command you to set your marital status on Facebook into single and you're willing to comply because you're afraid of her bossiness.
As the second wife, you should be confident and content that you're married to the same man. Don't make yourself appear smaller or insignificant in comparison to her regardless of the first wife's job position or reputation in the community. If she happens to be jealous of you, try your best to lessen or eradicate her negative feelings of jealousy by genuinely befriending her without undermining yourself or behaving as though you're not in her league. You're in the same level, you both share the same husband, and you both deserve good treatment from your destined soulmate who loves you all for Allah's sake. The only thing which differentiates people from one another is Taqwa and piety. The better of two wives is the one who is more patient, more forgiving and closer to Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala.
Invite your co-wife to have lunch often, to attend regular Islamic seminars so your faith/Imaan is strengthened and to have a stronger bond by communicating online and offline whenever you can.
Also remind your husband to fear Allah the Almighty and to treat his wives well so none of the wives feel as if they're lacking something.
Seek Allah's help through constant Du'as. Pray to Allah that He grants you more rewarding Sabr/patience, pray to Allah that He softens the first wife's heart so she is free from the stress of envying you, and pray that Allah blesses your polygynous marriage life so it becomes a worthwhile path which leads to Jannah Paradise.
If there is anything that can alter one's Qadr/Destiny positively, it is the sincere Du'a that is said wholeheartedly. Don't give up your marriage just because of an obstacle which is temporary.
Inn-sha-Allah you'll be rewarded with Allah's Love for striving to stay steadfast and loving your other half patiently.
📖 Aisha RadhiAllahu 'anha narrated: The Messenger of Allah SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said: "The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family."
Source: Sunan Al-Tirmidhī 3895
Grade: Sahih
📖 Abu Huraira RadhiAllahu
'anhu narrated: The Messenger of
Allah SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said: "If a man has two wives and he is
not fair between them, he will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his
sides collapsed."
Source: Sunan Al-Tirmidhī 1141
Grade: Sahih
Source: Sunan Al-Tirmidhī 1141
Grade: Sahih
📖 Abu Huraira RadhiAllahu
'anhu: The Messenger of
Allah SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam said: "The most complete of the
believers in faith are those with the most excellent character, and the best of
you are the best in behavior to their women."
Source: Sunan Al-Tirmidhī 1162
Grade: Sahih
Source: Sunan Al-Tirmidhī 1162
Grade: Sahih
